Do you go about your day thinking, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? You don’t believe you have done anything differently except growing up, so what happened? You may have felt loved as a child, or maybe not. Whatever the case, you want to find out why your parents don’t act as they love you. Can parents really hate their own children? What can you do to fix things?
So why do both of my parents hate me? The answer may surprise you. While research shows that some parents actually hate their children, yours probably do not. This is because most parents do NOT hate their young or adult children, even when they act like they are always angry with you. They may be upset with some of your life choices or feel inadequate about their parenting skills, or your behavior may be disrespectful to them. But that doesn’t mean they hate you.
The most important thing to do to answer this question is to isolate the behavior you think is hate and its source, then you can fix it.
This post will discuss what it means to be hated by one’s parents, possible misconceptions, and how you can resolve them.
So, Why Do Both Of My Parents Hate Me?
The real question is, Do your parents really hate you? And I don’t ask this question to undermine your experience with your parents but to eliminate more plausible issues.
Many children or young adults who feel that their parents hate them are usually misinterpreting their parent’s actions of overcare, high expectations, or even disappointment as hate.
Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, asked parents to rate how much they liked each of their children. Then, they asked the same parents to rate how much each child liked them. The results showed that parents rated their own children as more likable than their children did themselves. This was true regardless of whether the parent had a positive or negative view of their child.
The way parents and their grown or younger children see certain things may differ significantly. Some people may interpret a strict correction or undesirable behavior as hate.
While this may not be acceptable, some behaviors lead parents to act mean to their children.
For instance, the child may be unapologetically lazy, unmotivated, or rude. Or maybe your parents want you to do better in school, and they use the wrong strategies to approach this, such as discipline and raising their voices when they communicate reasonably with you. Or further, your parents may not like the company you keep, so they are unpleasant to you and your friends.
Again, you could interpret any of these behaviors, which are actually aimed at improving who you are, as hate.
Not every action you dislike from your parents means they hate you. On the contrary, it could tell that they love you a lot and do not want to see you fail, perform below your abilities, or get misled by bad friends.
What Does It Mean When Your Parents Hate You?
If your parents don’t hate you, then what does their hostile behavior towards you mean? Parents often feel that their children are selfish, ungrateful, lazy, and disrespectful. Below are a few reasons why parents may act as if they hate you when in all actuality, they don’t.
Your Parents May Think You Are Rude or Difficult
Many young adults are disrespectful of their parents and not very helpful. They talk back to their parents, are messy, and refuse to cooperate when asked to offer help to their parents.
When you were younger, your parents may not be upset when they had to pick up after you or clean up your mess. But as you get older, especially when you become an adult, you are expected to pick up your slack. You are also likely to show some respect, as this goes both ways.
Many adults get more disrespectful as they get older. Many think this is a way to gain authority. Remember that disrespect is never a show of maturity, and there are compelling ways to get your information across that do not include rudeness.
When your parents feel disrespected or find themselves doing your share of the work, they may become extremely strict with you, showing tough love. You may interpret this as hate.
Your Parents May Think That You Are Too Demanding
Some people demand a lot from their parents and don’t slow down as they age. You need to remember that your parents are getting older as you are and may not have the energy to run after your issues like they used to when you were younger. Also, a significant aspect of healthy parenting is getting you to take care of your own issues independently.
If you are too demanding and find that your parents are insisting you do things yourself, or refusing to do what they used to for you, do not consider it hate.
Think of a dog weening its pups, it nips and growls at them, but this is because it wants the puppies to become independent of breastfeeding.
You Don’t Show That You Love Them Back
If you are asking, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? Stop a moment and think. Could it be because they think you hate them?
It’s not surprising that parents would act like they dislike their young ones if they feel hated by them. After all, they spend years raising their children and expect them to love them back.
Parenting is challenging, even when parents enjoy raising their kids, as most parents do. Parents make a lot of sacrifices, both in time, effort, and finances. They should expect that as their children grow into young adults, they become more mature and appreciate what has gone into raising them.
While some people are very appreciative of their parents, some are not. Some young adults act entitled and treat their parents like they hate them. They will even say this to their parents, especially when things are not going their way. Unfortunately, because you are no longer a child and so much more is expected of you when you behave like this, do not be surprised if your parents counter with equally dislikeable behavior.
They May Be Disappointed By You
While this may be difficult to hear, your life choices, accomplishments, and behavior may disappoint your parents.
For the most part, your parents may be trying to raise you in one way, and as you get more independent, you are choosing another path. This does not mean that they hate you, though.
In a study published in the journal of Child Development, researchers believe parents tend to see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals. As a result, they try to “live” through you and hope that the life choices they have made for you will stick.
For instance, they may want you to be an over-achiever, but you are not. They may want to see you “well put together” with perfect manners, dress like a “lady” or “gentleman,” and prefer grunge or urban style. They may want your friends to be of a particular class or race, and you don’t even care who you make friends with. According to researchers, you may not have to do anything wrong at all.
Another group of researchers at the University of California, San Diego, found that parents who were more critical of their children tended to report feeling less satisfied with themselves. In other words, when parents felt terrible about themselves, they also had negative feelings about their children.
According to them, parents’ feelings toward their children aren’t necessarily based on what their children do or fail to do. Instead, parents dislike their children because they feel guilty about being disappointed with them.
It’s not surprising that parents would feel dissatisfied with their parenting skills. After all, they have spent much of their lives raising them. However, researchers say that parents’ dissatisfaction with their parenting skills isn’t just because they’re disappointed with how well they’ve done as parents. Instead, they believe parents dislike their kids because they think they aren’t good enough.
Your Parents May Think That You Are Too Selfish
The researchers believe this could be because parents tend to see themselves as having positive traits such as patience, kindness, understanding, and generosity. It is easy for them to see selfishness in their children as they become young adults.
Young adults show selfishness by not helping their parents financially or physically (especially when living at home). Also, they may not be generous with their time or show care for their sick or aging parents.
Additionally, there are instances where young adults who have moved out of their homes will call their parents only when they need something.
Your Parents May Think That You Are Unmotivated
If you are growing up, but not hitting the same milestones, don’t have too many accomplishments, or are not working or going to school when your age-mates are, your parents may conclude that you are unmotivated or lazy.
Parents struggle with how to motivate a lazy child. They often blame themselves for the deficiencies they believe you are exhibiting, and often, they will want to distance themselves from you or (more commonly) employ stricter measures to help you overcome your lack of motivation. These more stringent measures usually appear like they are becoming mean, which may lead you to ask, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me?
What To Do When Your Parents Hate You
In asking, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? It is common to hear young adults say, “I’ve always had a hard time getting along with my parents. Now, they seem to be on edge with me.” They want to know, “Is there anything I can do to fix things?” And the simple answer is maybe.
In fixing a hate relationship with your parents, you must know the problem’s root cause. Ask why both of your parents hate you. Is it something you are doing? It might be because you’re too much like them or they don’t understand you. Either way, you need to figure out what to change, so they love you again.
If you find yourself asking, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? You may not be wrong. Maybe it is time to involve a third party, such as a psychologist, to help you figure things out.
Finding a family psychologist to help you all walk through your issues may be necessary for resolving underlying conflicts that both parties may not be aware of.
Don’t Be A Jerk
If you want your parents to stop hating you, you need to ensure you’re not being a jerk. You should never talk badly about them behind their back and shouldn’t act rudely towards them either. Instead, try to treat them as adults who deserve respect.
Listen To Them
It’s easy to think your parents hate you because they’re mean. However, they might actually have a point when they say something negative about you. They might even be right.
Learn to take criticisms positively and try to correct things about yourself that may irritate others, including your parents. When your parents see that you are making an effort, it may encourage them to be nicer to you.
Try Not To Take Things Personally
Some parents are toxic and may say things that hurt, even though they may not mean to. If you take everything your parents say personally, you’ll never learn how to deal with them effectively. Instead, try not to take things personally. This means that you shouldn’t let what your parents say bother you. You should also avoid reacting emotionally to what they say.
Give Them Some Space
Try to give your parents some space by avoiding arguments and keeping the lines of communication open. It’s okay to ask questions and express your feelings, but try to avoid being in their face all the time.
Ask For Help When You Need It
If you’re having trouble communicating with your parents, talk to them about how you feel. They might not understand why you’re upset, but they’ll likely be able to help you figure out what’s going on.
Also, ask for help with other things. They may appreciate this and find that helping you may help them see you differently.
Try To Understand Their Point Of View
You are a generation apart from your parents, and a lot has changed. Try to understand their point of view and calmly guide them to understand yours. This should improve communication between your parents and you.
Talk About The Things You Agree On
Nobody expects your parents and you to agree on everything. Try to talk about those things you decide on, and avoid conversations that always result in conflict. If you need to address conflicting views, have a third party act as a buffer between you and your parents.
Apologize When Mistakes Are Made
Don’t just ask, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? Please do something about it—nothing as effective in fixing relationships as a well-meant apology when you are wrong. If you have wronged your parents in any way, do not hesitate to apologize. Some people find apologizing challenging, but remember, it is just words. You can do it!
Listen To Them
Many parents get distraught when their children do not listen, hear, or even speak over them. Make sure you are giving your parents the respect they deserve. This doesn’t seem right.
Give Them Time
If you are trying to resolve your relationship with your parents because they hate you, try not to rush things. If you have been asking, Why Do Both of My Parents Hate Me? That means that something must have become pretty nasty. Remember that rebuilding relationships takes time. Even if you apologize, give your parents time to process your intentions and come around.
A Few Final Words
When you remember, based on research, that your parents are more likely to love you than to hate you, you will have the courage and confidence to approach your relationship with them the right way. Remember to use the tips in this post, Why Do Both My Parents Hate Me, to fix your relationship.